COFFEE WARS

Would you like a Frappucino with your McNuggets?

As terribly appetizing as that sounds, I must admit I'm a little nervous about McDonalds' new foray into the gourmet coffee business. Their plan to introduce baristas, espresso machines, and an entire line-up of mochas, lattes, and other gourmet drinks has me scratching my head a little bit. These are new feelings for me; I've been a strong McDonalds-lover (McLover??) my entire life. I have photos of me at 3, gleefully devouring a Happy Meal, ready to play in the PlayPlace the second the last bit of those wonderfully salty french fries left my greasy little hands. I lived for McDonalds. I could eat there morning, noon, and night...and often did. I eventually took to calling Ronald "brother"....it just seemed so natural.

But alas, I stray. Focus, Joy, focus. So, McDonalds and coffee. I understand Micky D's desire to possibly increase revenue by stealing it from Starbucks....but this is Starbucks we are talking about. There are, like, 3 things you cant stop in this world: Oprah, Rosie O'Donnell (make her go away already!!), and Starbucks. Apparently McDonalds aint scared. You go, boy.

As a devotee to all things coffee AND all things McFabulous, I've decided to put my fears aside and at least try to get down with this new idea. The Big Mac mogul is also slated to continue updating its interiors nationwide and adding "extras" like wi-fi internet access and cool music, all in an effort to morph from a grab-and-run fast-food chain to a bona fide sit-and-stay (and spend!) restaurant. Again, I'm McNervous about this. The sounds of a 5-year-old's birthday party and the smell of freshly-fried (albeit transfat-free!) Big Macs just doesn't really scream "sit, relax, read a book". And thats where Starbucks has the edge over McDonalds in terms of coffee marketshare.

I WANT to sit and stay at 'Bucks. The music, the oversized comfy chairs and equally overpriced White Mochas, the cute knick knacks, the even cuter baristas....its all very inviting. I cant imagine that Starbucks and McDonalds share THAT much of a demographic, so it seems like whatever profits McDonalds stands to gain from its new business venture will be dollars Starbucks likely wasn't seeing anyway.

But enough about dollars. I want to pretend that it isn't always about the bottom line but sometimes about actually wanting to make customers happy. I imagine the CEO of McDonalds sitting in his plush leather chair on the top floor of some fancy office building, smiling, imagining all the people who's lives will be enriched with the advent of this new, more affordable option to traditional fancy coffee and fancy restaurants. He laughs with pure joy, his belly shakes a little a la Santa, and for just a moment the world makes sense again. Ah, dare to dream.

All the Golden Arches in my area are, as yet, still barista-free...so I'll continue to bide my time at Starbucks and wait curiously, if not eagerly, until I can sample this new, updated, Extreme Makeover'd McDonalds. And now, excuse me while I treat myself to a Super Value Meal...some good things never change.

 

TO PARENT OR NOT TO PARENT

 ....that is the question. And apparently Britney Spears just doesn't give a damn about the answer.

Call me crazy, but if a judge took away all my visitation rights with my kids and I knew the only way to get them back was to attend my next court date, you can bet I'd put down the Cheetos and hot-pink wigs and drag my bipolar, red-light-running self to the courthouse. But, thats just me.

Apparently the recently-British-accented, paparrazi-addicted tragedy arrived at the courthouse Monday with lawyers in tow, but they entered the building sans Britney....and she completely bailed on them a short time later! It wasnt clear whether she was the driver or passenger when photogs snapped her SUV departing the courthouse, but does it really matter? The fact is that she left. With the fate of her custody/visitation hanging in the balance, Britney took off for whatever tanning salon/Starbucks/gas station bathroom was beckoning her. Seriously, she might as well tattoo her forehead with "please take my children from me!", cus thats what she's telling the world.

But like they say in LA LA Land, the show must go on. And boy, did it ever. The courts heard from her parenting coach, court-appointed monitor, two LAPD officers (I assume from her recent showdown/meltdown), and a bodyguard during the closed-door session. Oh, to have been a fly on that wall. And the thing that irks me the most is that Britney doesn't even have enough self-respect to want to be there to defend herself! C'mon, woman, you've sold out Madison Square Garden....where is your fight?! I realize most of it probably fizzled away after your vapid MTV "comeback", but there's gotta be some tiny infinitesimal bit left. Or have you decided to drop your kids in favor of still-married flame Adnan Ghalib, the paparrazo-cum-boyfriend-du-jour? (Allow me to pause here and briefly praise the craftsy lensman. While I think its sad and pathetic that he would leech onto her when she's so clearly unstable, you gotta hand it to him for scoring such a media-absorbing meal ticket for himself. One minute you're a no-name photog chasing the same old celebrities around Hollywood Blvd, next minute you're the one being chased, your face is all over the internet, and you find yourself shopping for a sports car with none other than the biggest trainwreck, er, former pop-princess in the world. Doesnt happen everyday. Enjoy your 15 minutes while you can, you disgusting, womanizing, two-timing sleazeball. Would hate to be you when Karma decides she's bored and wants someone to mess with).

Anyway.....I'm sure that jetting to Mexico and trying on wedding dresses is more fun than changing diapers and watching The Wiggles, but this is getting ridiculous. There was a time when part of me still rooted for Britney. I believed in her ability to somehow get her head on straight and decide to be a mom. Now, I'm rooting for MV Kaplan to keep working his lawyer voodoo and for those kids to be given to K-Fed solely. She doesnt deserve them.

Lets hope Britney heads back across the border and gets herself lost in some seedy Tijuana strip joint where she belongs...no offense to seedy Tijuana strip joints!

Stay tuned for more on Hurricane Britney

CELEBRITY REHAB

 "Welcome to this interesting experience".

Those were the words Dr. Drew spoke to his new patients, the castmates of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew". It took me only five minutes into the one-hour premiere to know that this show is going to be an absolute trainwreck. Or maybe the trainwreck is just Jeff Conaway.

I dont know what to say about Jeff. I want to remember him always as Kenickie from Grease, dancing, handsome, and happy...but the last few years have seen his slow spiral downward into the depths of pain and addiction. As if his incoherent mumblings to confused castmates weren't enough to tip off the good doctor that his patient arrived in a not-so-hot state, Jeff's breakdown/drug withdrawal/delirium/seizure in his room shortly into Day 1 warranted a call to paramedics and the transport of Mr. Grease to the local ER. "Life is pain, and pain is hell", Jeff had mumbled earlier in the day, in a shocking moment of clarity. And where clarity is concerned, there is one thing clear in all this: that Jeff is in fact suffering through his own private hell, and I only hope he can fight off his demons for good this time. His life may depend on it.

The rest of the cast members arent quite in such life-and-death circumstances. I was a bit shocked to see Jaimee Foxworth (remember little Judy from Family Matters?) on the show. Apparently she's trying to fight a ten-year love affair with marijuana. I've danced with Mary Jane myself in the past, but lil ole Jaimee has apparently been training for the Pot-Smoking Olympics. Ten, 12 cigar blunts a day.....A DAY! Thats an insane amount of weed. Dr. Drew tried to tell her that her detox is gonna be gnarly, but I dont think she gets it. Poor girl....she's in for a shock.

Where detox is concerned, they all are. In terms of long-term recovery, well, we already know Jessica Sierra (of former American Idol Top Ten "fame") didnt fare so well. The show's wrap and her subsequent arrest this past winter for battery and cocaine possession sing to the tune of relapse....

As for the rest of the cast (Brigitte Nielson, Joan "Chyna Doll" Laurer--both of former Surreal Life fame--,a forgettable Ricco Rodriguez, former CA gubernatorial independent candidate and adult film star Mary Cary, LA-based Shifty Shellshock-who sang the forgettable late-90's "Butterfly" and "Starry-Eyed Surprise"-, sober-for-years-so-I'm-not-quite-sure-why-he's-on-the-show-other-than-a-desperate-need-for-some-exposure Daniel Badlwin, and, of course, the aforementioned Jeff Conaway), I really cant say who will take the show seriously, who will succeed, who will fail, drop out, get kicked out, or any number of possible outcomes. Judging from the season teaser when Dr. Drew tells the entire cast to decide if they're serious or not and then walks out on them, I can only imagine that things dont take the normal rehab course. Of course, normal rehabs dont usually involve a pack of B-list celebrities and a camera crew....so I guess anything is possible!

Good luck and Godspeed, folks. Looks like you're gonna need it.